Closet Atheist
Religion is not a big thing for me. I feel that there’s probably a God up there looking out for us human beings. There’s no scientific basis at all for my belief in an omniawesome God, I know, but I need my invisible means of support. If there’s no God then I need to create one, a being larger than myself to whom I can offer my dreams, frustrations, demands, angst, and all the dirty little things innate in the human parasite. This kind of thinking has led one of my buddies to point out that I am an atheist in denial. I said ‘closet atheist’ seems a more clever way to put it. And maybe I am at that.
That reminds me of a famous saying by some chaplain during the First Great Godawful War: there are no atheists in the trenches (or something to that effect). Most decidedly not. If I was in a muddy trench in the Western Front during World War I, getting shelled by enemy artillery, I’d probably be saying my Hail Marys as often as I’d be shitting my pants. And I’d probably sincerely believe each word too. No, there are no atheists in the trenches. Atheists can be very accommodating that way.
But I’m not in a trench and no one is raining artillery shells upon my skull. My problems are a little bit more mundane than that so I have the luxury of objectivity. I grudgingly believe that there is a God. My spiritual beliefs are suspect, though. If you pay me enough money I’ll profess belief in anything. I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life believing in something as ridiculous as Mormon archaeology if I were to live that life as a very wealthy Mormon. With many wives. Wives who all have perfect silicone tits.
Having been raised a Catholic, I still carry around the baggage relapsed Catholics everywhere probably have at varying degrees. I can’t help that. I’ve been conditioned for too long. Whenever something unfortunate happens in my life, my first thought is always that God is probably punishing me for posting Jesus LOL pictures in one of my blogs. Catholics tend to think of God as a sociopath waiting for people to slip up even a tiny bit so that He can smite them down with a plague. The Old Testament has a lot to answer for.
Let me be clear about this. I think the Bible is an interesting read. I think that it is an entertaining collection of Hebrew and early Christian myths, legends, tall tales, ideological ranting, and such. I enjoy reading the Bible, especially the juicy parts. And if there is a God, I think that it is divinely inspired. I also think Con Air is divinely inspired in that it entertained me for an hour and a half, so my judgment of divine inspiration is dubious at best.
What the Bible isn’t, though, is a perfect guidebook on how to get to Heaven. It’s too screwed up, full of the imperfections of man. In the first place, why does man need a guidebook to get to heaven? Because he’s imperfect and is prone to sin. Why is he prone to sin? Because of Adam and Eve. Why did God make Adam and Eve imperfect enough to be swayed by the serpent in the Garden. Why even put a serpent there? Hell, why put the fucking Tree in the middle of it all? I know that the theological sides regarding this issue are myriad but let us get down to the bone of the problem. If God hadn’t created humans in the first place, there wouldn’t even be a problem. He’s got the angels to work with, doesn’t he? That’s another thing. If the angels are so perfect, why’d one of them rebel? Why does God need angels anyway? Might as well question why God needs man, animals, trees, oceans, mountains, planets, galaxies, the universe, time, et cetera ad nauseum? The only reason I can think of is that He may be bored. Or that maybe there is no God and that everything just fell into place the way it is for no particular reason. At least common sense tells me that.
Common sense. At the end of the day, it’s all you can rely on, isn’t it? Common sense leads to scientific discoveries. Science flips a dirty finger at the Bible. If I was God I wouldn’t blame you for using logic and science to make your way through the muck of your lives because that’s all I gave you that actually works. I certainly wouldn’t send you to hell for it. Of course, common sense isn’t as awesome as it is touted to be. Common sense made people think for centuries that the world is flat.
The believers amongst you would, of course, contend that the Bible is perfect. Since I’m not here to convince anyone to renounce their faith, I’m not going to embarrass you by pointing out how utterly wrong you are. Live and let live.
Okay, maybe you need a kick in the head. Click these links if you think you’re strong enough in the faith… or if you have a growing suspicion that you’re being screwed:
