The Salamander

I am and will always be an attention whore. Why the fuck do you think I write retarded articles on my blogs? To shock and to provoke. Because I am and always will be an attention whore.

Now there’s a new feature on the Friendster homepage called Featured Blogs. I’m sure you’ve seen it by now. When I discovered this, my first reaction was:

GREEN.

The color of jealousy. The color of envy.

FEATURED BLOGS?!

Whowhatwhywherewhenhow? Do I have to sell a piece of my soul to get featured and read by thousands of Friendster users? If so, how much? And where do I sign?

I’ve checked these featured blogs out myself. I’m sure most of you have as well. Mostly ho-hum, right? These blogs are all free accounts, by the way. That means a paid subscription to Friendster isn’t a requirement if you want to be featured. The featured blogs change daily, it seems. Perhaps Friendster choses a random blog to feature very day.  Or perhaps these are similar attention whores who requested to be featured. Highly unlikely since some of these bloggers expressed surprise when hundreds of comments suddenly appeared on their sites.

Comments. Hundreds. Attention whore heaven.

Or is it? Consider these gems from Adnis’ Corner:

I’ll spare you the rest. Suffice it to say my envy has been dissipated.

Friends, I am getting dissed! Someone DOES read the retarded shit I post all over the internet! Consider this blast from some ugly cunt regarding my But I HAVE a Handicap. I’m a RETARD! article, which I also posted on FilipinoWriter.Com:

You would never have liked riding with me in a crammed MRT train at rush hour. I liked poking people who grabbed my ass with open safety pins and other sharp objects - usually in the tender, sensitive places, if I could.

When out of safety pins, I prefer to use my high-heeled boots the way the song says: "These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you." Yes, I like them in stilletto. Very nice for piercing insolent insteps with. I have a collection.

Seriously, though, I do agree with you that if a woman wants equal rights, she had better be prepared to fight for these rights. I do and I’ve had lifelong practice with my three big brothers.

I am the woman the MRT management protects you from by segregating you. You are so lucky I can now afford cabs.

BTW, having been a pregnant woman once, I wouldn’t advise elbowing one in the belly. When pregnant, women become bitchier, meaner and more feral - not to mention they can hit harder because their adrenaline surges faster and their reflexes are quicker. The frilly maternity wear is just camouflage. But, hey, it’s your eye to have blacked and they’re your nuts to have crushed, I guess.

Lady, let me tell you:

1. Your sentence construction leaves something to be desired.

2. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole even if a nuclear apocalypse should make you the last woman on earth. I’d rather have sex with the roaches.

3. I am a ninja. No amount of adrenaline can make you faster, stronger, or more savage than me.

And then there’s this stupid fuck commenting on the same article:

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may mga lalaking katulad mo na haharap-harapan kung mang-insulto sa mga babae. May nanay ka naman siguro noh? O baka naman niluwa ka lang ng pinaka maniac na buwaya? Hindi naman sa nanlilibak ako pero parang ganun na nga. Alam mo ba na isa ka sa mga sumisira sa katauhan ng lalaking Filipino? Para kang isa sa mga tricycle drivers na nang babastos ng mga babae. Sa sinabi mong yan, propesyonal ka man o hindi ay tiyak na bababa ang pagtingin sa iyo ng tao, lalo na ng mga Filipina. Naalala ko tuloy ang sinabi ng propesora ko sa Filipino, masyado ng makabago ang panahon ngayon pati na rin ang pag-iisip ng mga tao. WINDANG na ang ating kultura. Siguro nga baliw ka, literal man o hindi, kahit ano sa 2 yun paniniwalaan ko. Hinihiling ko lang na sana kung mamalas malasin ka ng babaeng babastusin, sana ay marunong siyang mag taekwondo, o ano mang uri ng martial arts. Baka sakaling mabugbog ka niya ay maalog ang utak mo at baka sakaling tumino ka. Pero mukhang wala ka ng pag-asa, sige magpakasaya ka na lang diyan sa mababaw mong pangarap. Kinaaawan ko ang mabibiktima mo. Isipin mo walang ka class class ang magpapantasya sa kanya. Nakakahiya at nakakasuka!

Little girl:

1. Either the space bar on your keyboard is broken or you’re just too stupid to break your rants into paragraphs.

2. Your blog sucks. Vapid girly blogger alert!

3. Stop letting your textbooks talk for you.

Lastly, the earlier ugly cunt has this to say regarding my Urchins! article.

You could try something stronger than formaldehyde and wearing your cynicism on your sleeve like a defense mechanism to take the edge off the pity you feel for urchins. They’re good at it. It’s what they do for a living - a profession, if you will.

If you really want to help out, there are several halfway homes for street kids in Quezon City and Manila that need donations of volunteered time, money and goods for these children. You may also go to any DSWD office and offer your services as a volunteer for a possible tax rebate.

Pity is not constructive and it often makes you do things like give urchins junk food only to have the chips thrown back at you.

If you feel so strongly about urchins, do something constructive to help them. Don’t rest on the laurels of your pity. Ikaw lang ang hirap pag ganoon.

Dear ugly cunt:

In the awesome words of Maddox…

No.

Yours,

Randy (Squid) Villanueva

There you have it, folks. My first three dis-comments. Oboyoboy. I’m on my way to becoming an internet rockstar!

Now fuck off.