The Salamander

By the way, my new blogs are up and running. Check ‘em out.

I’m making this, the Salamander, my personal journal.

Songs of the Salamander is my public blog where I post retarted articles.

Shaman with a Gun is where I post short stories.

I’ve deleted the Thirteenth Salamander since I will be posting horror stories in Songs of the Salamander as well.

Of course, you’re not going to read these blogs anyway since you’re all figments of my imagination. But I rather like living under the pretense that there are other beings in this universe besides my solipsist mind.

I’ve been getting some flak for the Manly Man article. Some friends actually think I hate women and homosexuals because of this retarded article. Come on, people, should I put a disclaimer that this is just crass humor? If you’re offended then you’re taking me way too seriously. There are more offensive things on the internet fer cryin’ out loud. Take Maddox for instance.

Okay, for your peace of mind: no, I don’t hate women. In fact, I’m deeply in love with one of them. She’s my wife. And she doesn’t mind that I love other women like my mother, my mother-in-law, my aunts, my friends, etc etc etc. My wife’s cool.

I don’t hate homosexuals either. Some of my closest friends are gay. Heck, I’M an honorary fag myself. No, seriously, I am. When I was in college I was a member of a gay org.

So there you have it. It’s just a retarded internet article, okay? And you’ll be seeing more of stuff like it in this here blog.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I will not post bad poems on the Internet.

I woke up today with an epiphany.

I am not cool.

I am so not cool in fact that dogs and little children suffer seizures when they’re around me for too long. And because you’re reading this blog, you are seriously endangering your innate coolness as well. Because this blog is not cool. If your friends find you reading this blog they will drag you out into the street and beat you to the fucking sidewalk. In Third World countries, people get pushed against a wall and shot for just looking at my blog. THAT would be cool if not for the fact that it’s bullshit. No one reads this blog. Not even you. Because you’re just a figment of my imagination. Which is uncool. Peewee Herman uncool.

No, I am not cool at all.

Let me tell you a little story.

I’m Randy and I’m a television writer. The fact that I’m a professional wordslinger doesn’t necessarily mean that I love writing. I hate it, in fact. But it’s something that I must do because… well, because doing otherwise would drive me insane. Other writers have muses that inspire them to write. I have a psychotic asshole who looks like John Malkovich. And he has a gun. Yep. A beast of a 12-gauge pump-action shotgun with the barrel and the stock pared down to assault weapon proportions. He doesn’t inspire me to write. He kicks me in the ‘nads, picks me up by the scruff of my shirt, thrusts gunmetal into my mouth, and whispers: write, motherfucker.

So I write.

I’m not very prolific. I write when someone pays me to do so. I also write when Mister 12-gauge notices me slacking off. It’s the latter reason that I’m going to talk about now. The other one is easy.

Writing for Mister 12-gauge isn’t easy. Nothing is good enough for him. He shoves my face into the keyboard and watches me type away. He reads every word that I type. He snorts derisively at every other sentence that appears on the monitor. The sadistic sonofabitch wants me to write for the sole purpose of mocking my work.

And that’s why the Salamander came about. I keep updating this blog so as to keep Mister 12-gauge off my back.

Recently, though, I’ve been noticing how cluttered this blog is beginning to look. Short stories (Shaman with a Gun Stories) , brain orgasms (Woolgathering), crappy poetry (Poetry), featured works (Featured Retards), and most recently zombie survival articles (The Zombie Apocalypse). Oh my.

Now, because I’m anal-retentive, I’ll be straightening up this blog. From this point onwards, the Salamander will strictly be for Woolgathering and Featured Retards articles. The short stories will be republished in my literature blog, Shaman with a Gun. The zombie survival articles, horror stories, and other dark stuff will be republished and updated in my third blog, The Thirteenth Salamander. What about the crappy poetry, you ask? I will try my best to abstain from inflicting upon the blogosphere more of my poems. But they’ll probably appear here in Songs of the Salamander as well.

I’m still in the process of snazzing up these two new blogs, though. I’ll announce here when they’re up and running. See you around, ladies and gentlemen.

          The Zombie Apocalypse articles have been republished in The Thirteenth Salamander. Go check it out, ghoulheads!